September Movie Reviews (Orphan: First Kill, Vengeance, Inside)
So far this month, I’ve watched two horror movies with very different tones (one new and one from 15 years ago) and an underwhelming black comedy thriller. Let’s go over all three of them!
Orphan: First Kill (2022)
Paramount Players, 99 minutes
Orphan: First Kill is a totally bonkers prequel to the 2009 horror film Orphan, that despite being completely ludicrous in every imaginable way is still a decent amount of fun. Our premise is that a 31-year-old woman, who due to a genetic disorder has the appearance of a nine year old child, escapes from a psychiatric facility in Estonia and heads to America. Once there, she pretends to be the daughter of a wealthy family that went missing years ago.
There’s an equally outlandish twist (if that’s even possible) midway through the movie, but if you were expecting a realistic story based on the setup described above, well, I don’t know what to tell you. Orphan: First Kill really leans into how crazy it is though, and while I probably wouldn’t call it a “good” movie, it’s definitely an enjoyable one that will keep horror fans entertained.
It’s also worth mentioning that Julia Stiles, who we all remember from late 90s/early 2000s hits like 10 Things I Hate About You and Save the Last Dance, stars as the mother of the wealthy family. I don’t think she’ll win any awards for the performance, but she really goes for it in this one and it’s campy/entertaining.
Overall, there are definitely worse ways to spend an hour and forty minutes than Orphan: First Kill as long as you realize the type of movie you’re going to be watching. You also definitely don’t need to have seen the first Orphan movie, which I probably wouldn’t even recommend, before watching this one.
Grade: 6.5/10
Vengeance (2022)
Focus Features, 107 minutes
Vengeance is a comedy-thriller written, directed by, and starring B.J. Novak, that thinks it’s a much better movie than it actually is. Story-wise, we focus on an obnoxious New York journalist/podcaster-type named Ben (Novak) who travels to Texas to investigate the death of a girl he saw a few times casually, but whose family was under the impression that the two were a serious couple. It’s a fine premise for a black comedy mystery, but the execution is mostly lackluster.
Vengeance is one of those movies where no one talks how people talk in real life (which is fine), except most of the conversations are more like bits of a bad standup comedy routine or seem like they’re based off of ideas taken from a mediocre podcast. Novak’s character is supposed to be unlikeable, but I think Novak plays him in a way that’s more just plain boring. Other characters aren’t too fleshed out and are more just wacky stereotypes.
I wanted to like Vengeance more than I did since it’s fun to see actors pull off roles we don’t expect them to excel at and this isn’t the type of role we’d expect Novak to play. However, I left Vengeance more doubtful that Novak can pull off a leading role than I had been before. It’s a watchable, yet uninspiring movie.
Grade: 4.5/10
Inside (2007)
La Fabrique de Films, 82 minutes
There are lots of movies with the title “Inside,” including a not great 2016 remake of this film. What I’ll be reviewing here is the 2007 brutally violent and disturbing French horror film, that in French was titled À l'intérieur. If you turn on this one instead of something like the 2021 Netflix Bo Burnham movie with the same name, you are going to be in for a very big (and if you’re unprepared, extremely unpleasant) surprise.
Inside tells the story of a woman named Sara who is nine months pregnant and living alone after being traumatized by a car crash that killed her husband four months prior. The night before she is due to give birth, she is terrorized by a woman who breaks into her house and plans to take Sara’s baby for herself by cutting the baby out of Sara with a large pair of scissors.
Most of the images I could find from this movie were far too gruesome to put here, so here’s a picture of the movie’s antagonist.
I first watched Inside a few years ago, and it’s definitely a movie I have mixed feelings about. On the enjoyment scale, it probably scores around a 0/10. It’s also a solid 0/10 on the date movie scale or the “movies to watch when pregnant” scale.
As far as being a truly disturbing, on-the-edge-of-your-seat-the-entire-film horror movie though, it definitely succeeds. Inside is scary and upsetting, and it’s a better movie than a lot of the other ultra-violent foreign horror films it’s sometimes compared to, like High Tension, Martyrs, or Frontier(s). I’d recommend Inside, but only for fans of disturbing horror movies.
Grade: 8/10